You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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