I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
