he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
