ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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