I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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