ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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