Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
