kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
