She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We need a shit load of segways right now
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
