Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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