The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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