well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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