peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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