I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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