the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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