I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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