You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
