My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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