working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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