I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We were destined to go to rehab together
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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