Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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