My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
