clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
