The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
