My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
