I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
