Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
