We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
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