Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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