I'm jealous of your bromance
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
