It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
