a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
