i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
