I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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