I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
