Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize