Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
ugly people sure do ruin things
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
