Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
