I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
