allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
