I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize