evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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