The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
