She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
