my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
