hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
