Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Randomize
