shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
