I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
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