Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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