I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
