Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
