Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
