on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize