he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
