I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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