Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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