She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
be right there i have to get my cape
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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